Why I Haven't Written A Birth Story
I've actually been putting this post off for quite a while. I supposed I should have written it last year when I was breastfeeding G at only 3 months old instead of 15 months. Everything was still fresh, then. I actually haven't written her birth story yet either - part of me doesn't want to remember it... if you know about my experience giving birth for the first time, you know why I'm not interested in writing or sharing about it, but if you don't know how my experience went, don't worry. All you need to know is that everything is okay now, and we are all happy and healthy.
I've actually been putting this post off for quite a while. I supposed I should have written it last year when I was breastfeeding G at only 3 months old instead of 15 months. Everything was still fresh, then. I actually haven't written her birth story yet either - part of me doesn't want to remember it... if you know about my experience giving birth for the first time, you know why I'm not interested in writing or sharing about it, but if you don't know how my experience went, don't worry. All you need to know is that everything is okay now, and we are all happy and healthy.
Anyway - on to my breastfeeding journey. The little light of hope amidst a chaotic week of darkness and despair. Nursing has been a major highlight of motherhood for me.
When people tell me "breastfeeding is hard" I kind of want to agree with them, but part of me gets angry because I can't help but wonder if they had to try and breastfeed amidst NICU nurses, or nosy doctors. Then I remember that not everyone's experience was like mine, in the beginning and some just experience cracked nipples and the occasional bleeding during the first few weeks - which I understand can be pretty frustrating. The having to leave your baby for work thing... I get that too. I'm fortunate that I didn't have to But the hardest thing about breastfeeding is having motivation to keep going when all odds are against you.
Before sharing I want to say one thing to new and expecting mamas who are reading this out there: Plan as much as you like - write a birth plan, a breastfeeding game plan, an imaginary plan, all of it. I'm a planner, so I totally get it, but just know this. Not everything will go as planned.
Before sharing I want to say one thing to new and expecting mamas who are reading this out there: Plan as much as you like - write a birth plan, a breastfeeding game plan, an imaginary plan, all of it. I'm a planner, so I totally get it, but just know this. Not everything will go as planned.
My Breastfeeding Story
Research
My breastfeeding journey starts before Grace was born, actually. I read several books and watched countless movies and YouTube videos about breastfeeding. As an expecting mom who didn't know very many women that breastfed, I was worried that I wouldn't know what to do. Breastfeeding wasn't something that my family were huge proponents of (thanks, '90s) and very few of my friends had children. After hearing several moms tell me, "I stopped because it hurt too much" or "I just never had a supply" I was worried that these things would happen to me and began tirelessly researching so that I could be prepared.
I began by reading La Leche League's The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and took countless screenshots of certain pages so that I knew things like what temperature I should store my pumped milk at, or how often to nurse my baby, or what to do if her latch wasn't correct. There was a lot of useful information in there, so I'm glad I read it but I still didn't feel 100% ready. (p.s. I do recommend reading it if your'e expecting though)! It can be found on Amazon for super cheap!
I watched a documentary on Netflix called 'Breastmilk' and it really helped me to see real women breastfeeding their newborns and toddlers. It follows several women from all walks of life (a teen, a middle-aged scientist, a crunchy mom, and a teacher) and interviews them about their breastfeeding experience. As someone who wasn't a mom yet, but knew I would be soon, I was absolutely intrigued by all of it. I actually went back and re-watched the documentary after I was what I consider a "seasoned breastfeeder".
The gist of the documentary is that several women worry about supply, yet it's very unlikely for a woman to not have enough of a supply and more about society's demands (no time or proper place to pump, or formula being shoved own baby's throats) not being realistic of breastfeeding mothers. I can't say I agree 100% with everything in it, but it wasn't too biased, just your basic pro-breastfeeding movie. Honestly though it was helpful to actually see women breastfeeding. To see that first latch on camera... I kept picturing myself and my new baby, and I got so excited.
The gist of the documentary is that several women worry about supply, yet it's very unlikely for a woman to not have enough of a supply and more about society's demands (no time or proper place to pump, or formula being shoved own baby's throats) not being realistic of breastfeeding mothers. I can't say I agree 100% with everything in it, but it wasn't too biased, just your basic pro-breastfeeding movie. Honestly though it was helpful to actually see women breastfeeding. To see that first latch on camera... I kept picturing myself and my new baby, and I got so excited.
One Week Before Birth
I stocked up on breastfeeding supplies. Everything was pretty useful to me, including my Boppy pillow [I've heard the 'My Breast Friend' ones are better], nursing cover, some disposable breast pads (if only I knew how many of those I would really need), and my Earth Mama, Angel Baby nipple butter. I also shopped for a few nursing tanks and bras, and a couple of nightgowns, which I lived in for the first few weeks while recovering from surgery, etc.
I stocked up on breastfeeding supplies. Everything was pretty useful to me, including my Boppy pillow [I've heard the 'My Breast Friend' ones are better], nursing cover, some disposable breast pads (if only I knew how many of those I would really need), and my Earth Mama, Angel Baby nipple butter. I also shopped for a few nursing tanks and bras, and a couple of nightgowns, which I lived in for the first few weeks while recovering from surgery, etc.
Lactation cookies
I baked like four dozen! These supposably help your milk come in. Most recipes are packed with oats and flax seed which are foods that help women maintain a breastmilk supply or increase it if it's low. The recipe I used can be found here. I loved my lactation cookies and found that eating them a few days before labor and then making a ton and freezing them for after I had the baby was the best thing I could do! I brought them with me to the hospital when I was in labor and snacked on them after birth as well. The cookies were amazing quick snacks for a sleep-deprived new mom, and left me super satisfied after nursing around the clock during those first few weeks.
I baked like four dozen! These supposably help your milk come in. Most recipes are packed with oats and flax seed which are foods that help women maintain a breastmilk supply or increase it if it's low. The recipe I used can be found here. I loved my lactation cookies and found that eating them a few days before labor and then making a ton and freezing them for after I had the baby was the best thing I could do! I brought them with me to the hospital when I was in labor and snacked on them after birth as well. The cookies were amazing quick snacks for a sleep-deprived new mom, and left me super satisfied after nursing around the clock during those first few weeks.
The First Latch
Like most new moms who are forced into a cesarean by their OBGYN, I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to breastfeed. After giving birth to G, and being wheeled in to hold her for the first time (still very woozy on meds) I knew right away what needed to be done... and really, what should have done almost instantly [side note: I will write G's birth story someday, but honestly - it's still too raw of an experience, so thanks for letting it be a mystery for now. I'll share when I'm ready, promise] I undid my gown and put her near to see if she would start nursing. The hospital I delivered at didn't really promote skin to skin like they claimed, so I was frustrated with that. Everything I read said that for a baby to latch, they should be skin to skin with mom, and she had a little shirt on. Ugh. Basically, Grace's first latch wasn't exactly the most magical - she did try though! About two to three minutes in, a nurse shows up with A NIPPLE SHIELD.
Yup that's right. I was given zero time to try it without intervention - let alone the right way. She says to me (fresh out of the c-section room) "Here, try this!" and hands me a nipple shield that is still in the packaging. After coercing my husband to open it she helped me put it on, and G was a tiny better about trying to latch, but I wasn't confident in this disgusting plastic thing attached to me even though, according to the hospital's lactation consultant, my nipples "weren't sticking out enough for baby to latch" [insert eye roll].
Basically the first two days of nursing were me worrying sick that she wasn't latching but sometimes she would drink and I'd feel like she was getting colostrum. Nursing is an odd thing as a new mom because no one tells you how much your baby is getting, but later on as I got better, the mom-tuition kicked in. The hospital (yes I know this is meant to be a good thing so they know baby is being fed) is very sassy about you writing down when you fed the baby, what side, and how long. Let's just say I'll never be doing that again- it was the most stressful thing. I had to write it on my little log; a piece of paper next to my bedside that was literally soaked with spilled melted ice from me not being able to eat for 36 hours and desperately wanting water.
My Experience Breastfeeding in the NICU: Home of the Breast Pump
Fast forward a couple of days and G is in the NICU. Again... I'll explain all of that nonsense another time. But she's in the NICU; she spent a week there. When we first arrived, I was kind of a hot mess, but I was bombarded with a ton of information about pumping, and almost instantly introduced to a giant, hospital grade breast pump that can be wheeled around with you. Basically the impression I got was: "Hi, welcome to the NICU, home of the breast pump, where you will literally never get to feed your baby with your breast" and it felt horrible. Everything was a total blur, but I just remember feeling defeated.
I won't go into super detail because it may bore you, but if you've never been in the NICU, something you may not know is that there's a very rigid schedule. Babies are fed, temperature taken, diaper changed every 3 hours, on the hour. (At least that was the schedule at the hospital we were at). While I understand that most NICU babies are premature, and therefore thrive on a schedule, (they aren't able to leave their crib to latch onto the boob, let alone, cuddle their mother, which is absolutely heartbreaking) so this schedule works for them. However, my problem with this is the same problem I have with the medical field as a whole. Not everything is one size fits all. It isn't fair that Grace had to be fed every three hours if she was hungry every 1.5 hours. I was there to breastfeed her, and if she needed to eat, I wanted to feed her. Some nurses were more gracious than others and allowed me to do so but others were very strict about when I fed her.
A few days passed, and I was already sick of pumping, but continued to do it frantically so that I could have my milk there in case the nurse that was working that day decided to feed G while I was out getting her meds, or getting my meds, or eating breakfast, so I always kept a few bottles of breastmilk in the little fridge with G's name and number on it. I was so horrified that they would give her formula. I wanted her to be an exclusively breastfed baby. In fact... they did give her formula once... without my consent. I am scarred by it. [Note: I have nothing against formula or mamas that use it/need to use it for their littles, please do not feel as though I'm attacking... no formula was my personal choice for G].
One day the neonatologist came in and said to me "We are worried that your baby isn't gaining weight at a rapid enough pace, so we're going to have to start supplementing with formula" and I about DIED. I strictly remembered reading in several books something like, "While breastfed babies tend to be leaner than formula-fed babies, their weight gain is steady and appropriate" (What to Expect When You're Expecting) aka, they will gain weight slower in the beginning and then plateau around 4-6 months (which she did). I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes and feeling, again, like a failure.
The Light At The End of The Tunnel
After talking with her other doctors, and the lactation consultant on call, I decided to exercise my right as her parent and decline the formula supplementation, as I didn't feel it was necessary. She was gaining weight.. just not at the pace they wanted her to be gaining. I also consulted her pediatrician and he seemed to think formula supplementation wasn't necessary. I'm glad I looked more into it, and ended up not having to use it, because again, I was determined to breastfeed her exclusively.
The last two nights Grace spent in the NICU, I was able to breastfeed her on demand, however I wanted, whenever I wanted... They still made me log the time, how long, and which side, but I was just thankful to be with her, and to be able to pick her up when I wanted, or pick her up when she cried without wondering if it was allowed. Those two nights were the real beginning to my wonderful breastfeeding journey.
The Glorious Couch Days
Those first few months of nursing were the most blissful. I would lay with her on the couch from sun-up to sun-down and just snuggle. Newborns love to be on their mama's chest, so we didn't do anything but cuddle on the couch. I would eat the occasional meal or two, and have my Netflix show or book handy, and nurse, sleep, change diaper, repeat.
I know this is tough if you are a mom of multiples, but if you're a new mama or expecting your first little one, some of the best advice someone gave me was do not anything the first 6-8+ weeks; just revel in the newborn goodness and cuddles. I have so many photos of those moments, and I'm so thankful for them.
Breastfeeding Into Toddlerhood
Fast forward a year and four months, and our breastfeeding relationship is stronger than ever! G nurses around 5 times a day still, and hasn't, nor will she ever take a bottle. We tried a couple of times, but she had no interest. I am thankful that I never had a reason to try and get her to take a bottle. I've had a plugged duct here and there, and definitely wanted to cry when she was teething on my nipples a few times, but altogether it's been an amazing experience. I wouldn't trade the cuddles, giggles, smiles, or sleeping sessions for anything. I would go through this whole experience, and one hundred times more to be able to experience the intimacy that is nursing my baby.
I look forward to nursing all of my children, and don't plan on weaning G any time soon. See my post on seven reasons I don't plan to wean my baby here.
Yup that's right. I was given zero time to try it without intervention - let alone the right way. She says to me (fresh out of the c-section room) "Here, try this!" and hands me a nipple shield that is still in the packaging. After coercing my husband to open it she helped me put it on, and G was a tiny better about trying to latch, but I wasn't confident in this disgusting plastic thing attached to me even though, according to the hospital's lactation consultant, my nipples "weren't sticking out enough for baby to latch" [insert eye roll].
Basically the first two days of nursing were me worrying sick that she wasn't latching but sometimes she would drink and I'd feel like she was getting colostrum. Nursing is an odd thing as a new mom because no one tells you how much your baby is getting, but later on as I got better, the mom-tuition kicked in. The hospital (yes I know this is meant to be a good thing so they know baby is being fed) is very sassy about you writing down when you fed the baby, what side, and how long. Let's just say I'll never be doing that again- it was the most stressful thing. I had to write it on my little log; a piece of paper next to my bedside that was literally soaked with spilled melted ice from me not being able to eat for 36 hours and desperately wanting water.
My Experience Breastfeeding in the NICU: Home of the Breast Pump
Fast forward a couple of days and G is in the NICU. Again... I'll explain all of that nonsense another time. But she's in the NICU; she spent a week there. When we first arrived, I was kind of a hot mess, but I was bombarded with a ton of information about pumping, and almost instantly introduced to a giant, hospital grade breast pump that can be wheeled around with you. Basically the impression I got was: "Hi, welcome to the NICU, home of the breast pump, where you will literally never get to feed your baby with your breast" and it felt horrible. Everything was a total blur, but I just remember feeling defeated.
A few days passed, and I was already sick of pumping, but continued to do it frantically so that I could have my milk there in case the nurse that was working that day decided to feed G while I was out getting her meds, or getting my meds, or eating breakfast, so I always kept a few bottles of breastmilk in the little fridge with G's name and number on it. I was so horrified that they would give her formula. I wanted her to be an exclusively breastfed baby. In fact... they did give her formula once... without my consent. I am scarred by it. [Note: I have nothing against formula or mamas that use it/need to use it for their littles, please do not feel as though I'm attacking... no formula was my personal choice for G].
One day the neonatologist came in and said to me "We are worried that your baby isn't gaining weight at a rapid enough pace, so we're going to have to start supplementing with formula" and I about DIED. I strictly remembered reading in several books something like, "While breastfed babies tend to be leaner than formula-fed babies, their weight gain is steady and appropriate" (What to Expect When You're Expecting) aka, they will gain weight slower in the beginning and then plateau around 4-6 months (which she did). I remember sitting there with tears in my eyes and feeling, again, like a failure.
The Light At The End of The Tunnel
After talking with her other doctors, and the lactation consultant on call, I decided to exercise my right as her parent and decline the formula supplementation, as I didn't feel it was necessary. She was gaining weight.. just not at the pace they wanted her to be gaining. I also consulted her pediatrician and he seemed to think formula supplementation wasn't necessary. I'm glad I looked more into it, and ended up not having to use it, because again, I was determined to breastfeed her exclusively.
The last two nights Grace spent in the NICU, I was able to breastfeed her on demand, however I wanted, whenever I wanted... They still made me log the time, how long, and which side, but I was just thankful to be with her, and to be able to pick her up when I wanted, or pick her up when she cried without wondering if it was allowed. Those two nights were the real beginning to my wonderful breastfeeding journey.
The Glorious Couch Days
Those first few months of nursing were the most blissful. I would lay with her on the couch from sun-up to sun-down and just snuggle. Newborns love to be on their mama's chest, so we didn't do anything but cuddle on the couch. I would eat the occasional meal or two, and have my Netflix show or book handy, and nurse, sleep, change diaper, repeat.
Breastfeeding Into Toddlerhood
Fast forward a year and four months, and our breastfeeding relationship is stronger than ever! G nurses around 5 times a day still, and hasn't, nor will she ever take a bottle. We tried a couple of times, but she had no interest. I am thankful that I never had a reason to try and get her to take a bottle. I've had a plugged duct here and there, and definitely wanted to cry when she was teething on my nipples a few times, but altogether it's been an amazing experience. I wouldn't trade the cuddles, giggles, smiles, or sleeping sessions for anything. I would go through this whole experience, and one hundred times more to be able to experience the intimacy that is nursing my baby.
I would love to know about your experience breastfeeding, if you ever did - leave a brief story in the comments below! (If that's possible, ha)! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
xo. L
This came at the perfect time. My due date is today. Still no signs of baby, but just like you I'm a planning maniac and looking forward to nursing my baby. I know things won't always be smooth sailing but this post has and will help in the future! Thank you for sharing! I'm thinking of trying those lactation cookies! Xo
ReplyDeleteVeronica, I am so happy you were able to read this! Congratulations on making it to your due date! Definitely watch the documentary I mentioned if you can! It should be on Netflix! The lactation cookies are amazing! Should keep you busy while you wait for baby! Sending you amazing labor/delivery vibes! <3 xoxo.
DeleteYour experience sounds ALOT like mine. The whole breastfeeding at the hospital experience and cesarean, I'm gathering from what little you have said about it it was horrific, like mine. Also they gave my baby a bottle of formula right after my surgery before I could get up to the NICU to breastfeed (not premature, and he was healthy) while my husband was asleep in her room and I was FURIOUS. I handed out 4 birthplans to various people that stated NO BOTTLES, NO PACIFIERS, NO SUGAR WATER. So after he had that initial bottle there was no satiating him because he was expecting 3oz of formula form my breast every time I tried to breast feed him. So we had to keep supplementing all week at the hospital waiting for my milk to come in. I also had the same experience with the pump at the hospital. The whole experience was a nightmare. Not at all how it should be and its sad that this happens often. We are at 2 months though now exclusively breastfeeding, I had him off the formula within the next week after I got home from the hospital but it was hard. They certainly make it nearly impossible to succeed with breastfeeding. At least with my experience. To get through something like that and against all odds, you have to want it really bad. Im STILL having severe nipple pain.
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